im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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