this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
