you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
