my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
