Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
