I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
