Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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