Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
