So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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