she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
