I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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