Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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