What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
