how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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