I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
