She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
