Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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