Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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