I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I am puke
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
