so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
jump out the window naked night went bad
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
