did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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