what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
