youre lurking in front of me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
