I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
