Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
