After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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