First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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