Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
