dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
