He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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