there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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