Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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