I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
