Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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