Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
