I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
