I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
