Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
