I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My bed smells like the plague
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
