I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
