I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
