What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize