High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
