I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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