Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
