Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
