Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
