I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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