I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
