Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
