He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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