At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
