I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
