Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
