he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
