Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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