can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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